Bertha stayed ( 247 ) in making her statement. As she went out, tears fell from my eyes, driven even more by Fiedler's announcement that Bertha, when he had reproached her for her inconstancy and recklessness, said that her love had grown cold; And, Fiedler added, I don't want to force them, but I think it's reckless. The best thing, and what left me with a faint glimmer of hope, was that Bertha said she couldn't make up her mind in one afternoon. As I wanted to leave, Mr. Fiedler offered me money, which hurt me terribly because I couldn't help but think that they would put up with me in the Fiedler house and then not care about me any further, even though Fiedler didn't want to think about it. I cannot say, rather I cannot describe, the pain I felt and how many tears I shed on the way back and later at home. Br. Teichelmann, who stayed with me that evening, witnessed the violent outburst of my mental anguish, felt sorry for me and tried to comfort me. But nothing wanted to happen, I wanted to hear nothing but the hope that Bertha could still become mine. And what temptations assaulted me! --

I began to doubt divine providence and man's faithfulness, I was frightened and trembling about the future that I would have to live under such doubts and, moreover, in a holy office. I felt forgotten and abandoned by God and people, a burden to myself.

( 248 ) February 23rd, 1840. Sunday.
I slept fitfully and with many interruptions, during which the dear name Bertha was always on the tip of my tongue, but only to frighten me. In the morning the violent excitement was no longer there, but instead there was great, anxious, vague anxiety; I had little devotion during the service, and when I returned to my lonely house at the end of the service, I was once again seized with such intense pain that I took up the pen to pour it out in a letter to Bertha, which was done in a good hour. In this situation I prayed, if not hard, at least fervently, only for the possession of Bertha and without consolation for my soul. Towards the evening my messenger brought me back a few lines from Bertha, so full of politeness that they could not alleviate my pain. My conversation with Br. Teichelmann was such that he warned me against sinful statements.

February 24th, 1840.
Today I was supposed to go back to work and go to school; but where was the lust and love that I used to feel? --

I took the crucifix that the people of Hahndorf had given me, walked around with it in the various huts and talked to the natives about Christ, whereby they were very attentive and my tears streamed down. During the day I immersed myself in my grief again, and in the evening, after Mr. Bauer and Brother Teichelmann ( 249 ) had left, I wrote to Pastor Kavel to lighten my burdened heart and ask him to do what he could for me in order to avert my great loss.