out in the meantime and when she came back she asked me what we had agreed with each other; Me: nothing but that I should talk to Pastor Kavel. I asked her for a kiss, which she refused me, just as she didn't want to sit in her old place. I asked her if she could play with her most sacred feelings? to which she replied, with her brest became very high and her breathing quick, that she couldn't, but the matter was too important, and I knew best how necessary admonitions were to her. She had made similar allusions before, so I had to believe that she thought I was becoming a hindrance to her salvation. I told her that this was a very harsh reproach, to which I could not reply, but could only ask her to forgive me if my dealings with her had caused me to be so afraid of what she did.

It was no less bitter for me that when I asked her not to leave me, she said that God would not leave me without her, and when I told her that for my happiness it was not enough for me to have my food and drink, [she replied] that I would also find another friend. She also feels that she is not at all suited to the high and important calling ( 228 ) of showing others the way to happiness. I had told her how she could have given me a kiss at the reception if she had something like that on her mind, so she reminded me of it when I now asked for one as a token of her love, but she did it anyway, and when she left again with a look that seemed to indicate love.

When I said goodbye, I told Fiedler that the community had treated me badly and that I had to stick with it and, by the way, leave this matter to God.

What an incident and how to explain on my bride's part. It is clear that she was intimidated by her father; but couldn't she say a word to apologize for me before she judged me and judged me herself? --

She did say that I could have guessed that she had had something like this on her mind for some time, but then why not tell me anything and, as is the nature of love, ask me to give in? Why give me this choice of either-or, completely against the nature of love? Although I don't have to forget that she asked me to go to the evening class with her, I also have to mention at the same time that she said that she could see that it would be difficult for me; I can't hide from myself the fact that she told me that her father had said to Fritz Kavel that my and Kavel's legal agreement had caused him many a sleepless night; but ( 229 ) how could I take this to be a preparation for such an incident? --

I'm reluctant to give space to the thought, but from the first moment it forced itself on me, as if Bertha's love depended on her father's will and was therefore not love at all; that perhaps she would have been as far along with her former lovers as she was with me, and that she abdicated [farewell] just as carelessly as she did now. I am not yet afraid that I will lose her, but this incident has left a wound in my heart that will not heal again soon, doubts about Bertha's real love.